Life as it has always been, i saw the best part of it and the worst of it and can do nothing but choose both of them.
I saw your weakness papa, i saw your light and I can do nothing but stare at those pale blue eyes in vain. They were firm as they had always been but their look was wondered and slight. Your beauty never faded away but at that time it was just too shy to unveil. I kissed your face and you hands and you kissed my shoulder then I realised how much I love you papa. We were friends but in a different way and I liked how we kept our friendship that way.
I am in my most sobering momemts i have ever felt! A vague chilling sense of happiness and fuzzing is dwelled into my heart and i keep asking myself about my solemn wonder.
I want to seize the moment and unleash my promptious desires invading deep into my mind.
It is very distracting how i am amused and afraid at the same time. I am afraid to loose that creeping moment and the tense feelings of joy that blister my heart.
I’m afraid of being denied of not being satisfied, as I have always been insatiable.
In this bleak lonely sunday morning, i decided to open my heart to my unpromised future and give away my hideous worries. To new love, new promissess and new adventure!
Like an explosion, unpredictable, digging hard through my veins, insatiable, stacking rough in my brain, unfathomable, drowning deep into the heart, such like an explosion.
Quiet but furious and outrageous. It is stucked in my throat, stiff and firm and I am unable to move, to articulate the spell.
I recalled another rule of life, avoid falling in the extremities, for they will destruct your inner balance.
I fancy the rare, unfetchable things, I fancy the warm glow of my silk scarf and the light ray of my misty morning. I fancy all the small things i used to have while i was denied in the uncomprehensible world of nothingness…
To simply exist without over thinking and being firm in your perspectives, your soul need to be flexible and tuned.
I was grabbed by an ill mood during this period. Allowing my mind to fill in the silence gaps, I felt lost in my shadowy room.
I couldn’t decipher my bizzare reactions and how I ended up the way I am right now. Fully exasperated and desperate. I looked deeply into the incident in vain. I still feel that ache in my bottom and a sudden chill pass across my body.
Teared by two incomprehensible feelings, I am sorry and angry for the things I let them happen to me. How do I repent? How do I correct my mistakes? How shall I behave? These thoughts are housed in my nervous mind with no reply. I see myself as guilty but I it’s hard to say sorry, I even didn’t get used to it.
Blaming my self to the point of self-resentment, I find it urget to clear up everything and start with an inner purification. This can only be achieved by a motherly, warm and tender reinforcement making me strong and capable of overcoming lifes’ misfortunes and failures. Cause I take reponsability of my acts and words, I shall never allow my myself to ruin my peaceful state of mind.
The most thing that worries me is the future in terms of my decisions and my actions. I find consolation in the words of Allah, in His perfect judgements and rules. The path to Truth is complicated and I am striving to figure it out through the words of my consolator, my merciful protector. One day, I will learn how to be mindful and to shif colors to live!
The ache in my chest is solid; I can feel it digging hard in my heart. My brain races round and round echoing the sound of tic tac tic tac and my heart pounds loud and loud and I am once again falling asleep in this unfathomable daydream.
I kept asleep, unconscious of my unconsciousness. I kept alarmed and cautious of my pain. A flash of intense pain and ache run through my body when I remember what I don’t want to.
I get bored with all of this and the rubbished kind of my life. As if my lungs cannot breathe in the air and my chest is blocked by a thick and harsh agony. The words are vanishing evaporating from my tongue and I am no longer able to spell, to articulate, to burst!
This impalpable and bitter emotion is stuck in my throat unable to move to come out to free me. I cannot swallow; it feels hard and uncomfortably dry. The hole inside of me is deep and full of shattered hopes and dreams.
A shadow of blackness comes across my mind and I feel dump, dull, dizzy. I don’t feel good; I don’t feel well in anyway. I need to cry with all the strength of my voice. I need to scream in the faces of those admonishing me.
I lie down on my bed and sigh under the duvet and seize the moment. When I try to catch the memory it just drifts away from my reach. I wipe my tears away from my cheeks instantly.
When my mouth is set in a straight line
I try to understand
Why I have to say something
I ask myself, if the raining would shut up and let me out
But I have nothing to say
When my mind buzzes with past, old, unwanted thoughts
Whenever I try to speak loud
My tongue is knotted, I cannot spell the word
I am suffocated, I am cut under the spell
My brain is frozen but my fingers are stretched
I asked my blank page to say something, to speak, to write what I can’t